When Jade and I were driving up through Italy to Germany in our campervan, often it was easy to slot the car into cruise control. However, when we came to a hill the car would begin to slow down before recognising it needed to increase the revs to maintain the set speed. The car, being an inanimate object, was completely unable to see what was coming ahead and make the necessary adjustments. It was restricted to only being able to react to the conditions.
A values-driven lifestyle is something that’s received a lot of attention in the world of self-help and personal development. Yet, the actual picking of values is something that’s glazed over, and the part of decision-making in which they play is left abstract. And when values are treated in such a fashion, the result is a cruise-control lifestyle: set and forget.
Jade and I have reflected a lot about what a values-driven lifestyle actually means during our travels and also for when we eventually return home. And there were two aspects we reflected on deeply to avoid a set-and-forget lifestyle.
1) Which Values Will We Actually Hold To?
You could spend a long time writing a list of all the possible values that one could adhere to. But for a values-driven lifestyle to be practical and attainable, we realised we had to zone in on a few. Both of us have been influenced by different family values and upbringings, meaning we already individually carried our own ideas of what was important and necessary. These ideas were further shaped through education, career and other significant events in our life. In order for us to determine which of these values would shape our lifestyle and marriage, we both had to take a step back and reflect on what was really important to both of us.
This is the first trap in determining which values will guide you: not everything you hold as important is a value, nor is suitable for guiding your decision making. For example, I spend a tremendous amount of time following basketball. I invest a large amount of my free time (and not so free time) following my favourite NBA team, the Los Angeles Lakers. Yet, despite the importance this plays in my own personality, neither the NBA or the Lakers are values. Furthermore, if I was to base my decisions on the importance basketball plays in my life, I would become highly disorganised and unmotivated to do little else but watch Lakers games!
Values are moral statements: that is, they speak about what we individually hold to be right and to be wrong. If the values we hold are deeply reflected upon and informed (i.e. through interactions with education, religion or philosophy, family traditions, anything “bigger” or older than us) than they will be more able to guide us to make the sorts of decisions that further us in our journeys to become more human. Further, beliefs that are that deep-seated in who we are and how we are (if allowed to) can transform us into better humans.
2) How Do We Define Our Values?
The next thing Jade and I questioned once we rounded out which values we would hold was to what extent we would hold them. This goes back to the image of the car in cruise control: if all you do is set your values and not actually think about how you’ll use them or follow them in decision-making, then like the car you are only able to react, unable to pre-empt the hills (i.e. the significant decisions) until you’re in the think of it.
One of the values both of us held before we met and one we wanted to keep central was the primacy of family. But what does putting family first entail, to what extent will we prioritise our family? Is it abandoning work altogether to spend every waking moment with each other? No, because we still value having the means to create possibilities for our family. But it’s also not solely working to have those means provided for our family. The value of prioritising family in our relationship is about spending quality time together, not every single waking moment together. In this way, we can serve all the needs of our family.
Without determining what your values actually mean they cannot inform your decision-making process. As such, it’s easy to forget about the values you’ve chosen when making decisions. If you decide you want to start eating healthy but don’t determine what that looks like, then it’s all too easy to chuck that block of chocolate (or five) into the trolley at the supermarket. Then when you get snacky at home, it’s all too easy to reach for one (or all five) of those blocks instead of something healthier.
A values-driven lifestyle doesn’t have to be an ethereal or unattainable thing if you get real about what your values are and what they mean. In fact, it opens up a whole new perspective on what your life can actually look like and who you can become. In this way it becomes more than just feeling good about doing good or right things, values-based decisions become the road to better being. In fact, being serious about our values has allowed us to value more the life we share together. If you do want to base your decisions and lifestyle on more than external stimuli, look harder at the values that are (or aren’t) guiding you.
